Dear friends,
She’s gone. Betsy left this world and her poor burden of a body at 1:15 pst today, March 31. She’s laying here at Jess and Phil’s home in these woods that are tucked away in the City of Angels. She’s gone and maybe you, like me, feel the combination of relief for a welcome end of her suffering and sadness for her end of life. Here, the pain cuts deep as the tension between those two sensibilities pulls me apart. I’ve finally woken up from the bad dream that my entire world was on fire, only to find that my world has burned.
She lies in front of me, lifeless but so peaceful. Looking soooo peaceful. Leading up to her passing, her shrieks and cries and wailing often filled the room and in our helplessness sadness sat perched in every corner of the house, nervous to not be noticed, pretending to be looking away when seen, turning away in tears. Now, we all have that combination of grief and relief, and, after that first wave of shock, there is more air in the room. Shock? While we all knew what to expect, we were shocked that she didn’t rise up and say she’s had enough of this, let’s get back to playing in the fields of happiness. We were shocked that she could look like she’s just sleeping and yet never ever wake up again. More shocks will come, even after the space she’s taken up for these past months is void of form; her vacancy unsettling us more like a phantom limb than the aftershock of a quake.
But enough about us and our experience. She is gone and she lived so so entrenched in happiness. What an insult to this person that the last phase of her life was such a cruel struggle to find her way out of sadness, anxiety, agitation, and pain. Those of you who knew her know it’s not an exaggeration that she exuded positivity, optimism, nurturance, happiness, and an infectious smile. I lucked out that she married me. I was so blessed. Our children maybe even more so.
It’s the end of a rich life; a life with so many partners in the dance of love. She loved people and you all loved her back. Thank you for that and for giving her your support through transition after transition in this eventually nightmarish last chapter of her life. There are you who visited, those who came regularly, those who donated, those who kept communication going, and those who simply held space for the community by receiving the updates. While there may be many communities represented by this interactive mailing list, we are one community in the shared heart that holds Betsy. We, Betsys family, feel and appreciate that love.
What we are thinking about next steps at this time is to have a celebration of Betsy’s life in October. Her 70th birthday would have been October 3rd. Discussion is early but it may be that there will be a gathering on that day at Jess and Phil’s house which will also be on Zoom. But I’ll be sending out another update very soon.
While I thrive on the responses you send me and my family, please be patient if I don’t get back to you so quickly.
With love in my heart for having felt so held in your love for Betsy, for me, and for the family,
Jimmy
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