Eleven

Date: February 9, 2023 at 4:16:30 PM PST

Dear friends,

Weeks have passed since I’ve written and Betsy is still with us, feeling positive as ever in the face of traditional indications of decline. The desire to connect with community has been percolating in me but it’s been kept from expression due to cancer’s close cousin, chaos. It swirls around me like the mingling of one melody lingering in my head from the last song I heard, competing with a new melody coming at me now, with both ineffectively striving for my exclusive attention. I’ve delayed in writing an update because we’ve been provided with a steady onslaught of change, some rapid, some slow. Time seems to stand still and then lunge ahead when I’m not looking. It’s hard to even know what’s around the next corner.

We’re not sure if changes are from the tumor or the strong pain medication she’s taking. While she’s blessed to have no pain from her tumor, she does have pain from being immobile. Days are spent in a wheelchair and, after months of physical stillness, it’s taken a toll on her body. Hydrocodone was her drug of choice but after needing it more and more often, she’s been on methadone for the past few days.

The vague picture I can share is that there have been signs of both improvement and decline., such as more movement in her paralyzed right arm but less strength overall; long periods of confusion interspersed with instances of acute clarity. There have been moments of joy and moments of sadness. Wheeling Betsy down to the beach is an almost daily occurrence, as is Betsy’s consumption of about a pound of bacon or a fillet or two of salmon.

But amidst not much concrete detail to report, I’m happy to again share that Betsy is in a sea of love and support and that she feels that blessing so deeply. If you ask her how she is doing, she’ll give the same response she’s had for the past 3+ months - “great” - said with feeling, more authentic than Tony the Tiger’s exclamation. She expresses gratitude throughout the day and means it. She feels so incredibly lucky, lucky to have this house, to be so close to the beach, to have the responses from our community we’ve been getting, and especially blessed to have her family living here with her.

The kids have given up their Los Angeles lives to be here for and with Betsy. Cassidy leads Betsy through breathwork exercises and has made a puppet theater for 7-month old Story, who we’re enjoying watching grow every day. Jessica is juggling being a mother and a daughter, good at both, while Phil consistently demonstrates his ability to see what is needed and respond in depth, as father, husband, brother in law and son in law. We’re all working on a puzzle that turned out to be a lot harder than it looked. And, with no structure to guide us, we’re taking turns cooking great meals. We all share a deprivation of sleep yet we’re getting along more than wonderfully.

The element within our shared experience of Betsy’s situation that most warrants sharing in this update is love. We’re all feeling it. How could we not? And amidst the typically disdainful aspects of care-giving and care-receiving, love holds Betsy and me in its trust and we so consciously and confidently experience it. Changes that come from relentless exhaustion on me and with cancer, steroids, and now strong pain meds in Betsy, drop away from what we see, know, and feel in each other. While the future can feel like a black hole, everything we have as the 36 years we’ve been together is nothing less than the fullness of a Big Bang of creation.

We’re watching our children, adults as they are, emotionally mature before our eyes. Shock can come in waves, and with the kids the initial impact has worn off, they’ve regained their ability to coexist with their mother, constraints and all, and they cycle through more shock and more connection, deepening in character in each round. There is Beauty in the midst of stress, in the midst of challenge, n the midst of tragedy.

That’s it for now. In closing, let me point out that the last update I sent out was January 14th (and, since I’ve been asked a few times, the “extra” girl in that one family picture is Sami Lehrman, my niece). Let me know if you did not receive that. I’ll send it. I need to add that if you write to me I appreciate your contact and care, but I’m probably not going to be able to respond substantially. Thank you again for your thoughts, support, and love. And also great appreciation for the angels of Hospice.

May you experience every moment as preparation for some potential event that is ahead, and appreciate the beauty of what life is doing to you in preparing you for that,

Jimmy

And now for some pictures…

This is Phil working on the puzzle. Notice Cassidy’s puppet theater behind Phil.

And Betsy “working” on the puzzle.

Me, someone who’s not into puzzles (Phil’s also not a puzzle guy), getting lost in finding that next piece.

Heading to the beach, Phil with his baby and me with mine.

The family sans Phil and Story.

The whole family at Betsy’s Happy Place.

Rachel put this together for Betsy!

I didn’t mention that we had "the birthdays” - Phil and Cass on January 26th and Jessica on January 27th. Thank you, Rachel, for that cake! Gluten-free and delicious!

And here’s Story, all 7.5 months of her.

And, our sweetheart, Betsy.